The Turmoil Within
by PyroDragon2006
Summary: Common Ground Tag. John struggles to deal with conflicting emotions from Kolya's kidnapping and his own past. John's POV. New chapters for other characters added.
1. The Turmoil Within: John

Disclaimer: Okay, not mine, never were. Not making any money off this, its just for lots of free entertainment, so please don't sue.

Common Ground Tag: The Turmoil Within

I sat in the lounge chair someone had finagled for the infirmary balcony, watching the sun setting. Carson was off somewhere, checking on the first set of tests he'd run, but I doubted I'd be allowed out of the infirmary tonight even if they came back good. For once, I didn't really mind. I was _home_.

I blinked hard, realizing with shock and just the slightest hint of apprehension that Atlantis really _was _home for me, not just another base. It was the first time I'd felt such a sense of belonging since my mother died when I was young. I was actually in a place where they truly accepted me, as a whole, not just the part of me they wanted, just as my mother once had. Too bad my father had never learned that skill. Even had I come back as they'd all feared, old, dying, usefulness gone... I would have had a place here for as long as I wanted it.

Elizabeth had assured me of that, guilt heavy on her face, in her posture. I could see it, an impossible weight in all their eyes, the knowledge that they hadn't been able to get to me sooner, to stop what was happening. My own feelings were in turmoil over that. Part of me was angry, _furious_, completely sure that _I _would have found a way to get me out sooner, would never have let the Wraith... I was glad they were feeling that failure, and guilty that I would have such petty emotions towards my family. They had seen it, too, to my shame. That anger was the source of my somewhat bitter comment about showing up finally as I pushed past Carson back on the planet. It wasn't nice, nor really fair to them, but I'd been forced to form an alliance with a creature who saw me as a _snack._

That was another issue I was wrestling with. Had I actually found myself liking and trusting him, just a tiny bit? Was it really just the need for his help with the guards at the gate that kept me from leaving him in the forest? What if the Wraith really weren't that different from humans? We knew so little about them...

"Colonel?"

I glanced over my shoulder to see Dr. Beckett standing in the open doorway, two steaming mugs in his hands.

"The cooks made that Athosian soup ya like so much. I brought ya some... and I was wonderin' if I might join ya."

Another sigh. "Sure, why not. I'll warn you I may not be the best company right now."

I really didn't want to be around anyone, but I also didn't want to be alone, like I had- I cut that thought short, aware there were monsters lurking in those memories. Monsters I wasn't up to facing just yet, even in questions from a well-meaning friend. Those questions would come, though, and soon, there was just no avoiding it. I was terrified of how I would react. At least, if it had to be anyone, it was Carson. The man had been a brick wall all afternoon, ruthlessly chasing off anyone who didn't have a valid medical reason to be around me. Even Elizabeth and Kate Heightmeyer, after he overheard the Atlantis leader's ill-considered reassurances about my still having a place, even if only to die in.

Taking the offered mug, I inhaled the sweet aroma of the thick vegetable and spice concoction. I had loved the stuff since Teyla brought some back with her that Charin made that first year. I had personally gone to the mainland to charm the recipe out of her, turning it over to the cooks along with all her advice on how to 'prepare it properly, young man'! They readily accepted her instructions, thank goodness, simply happy to find something made with all local foods that the majority of Atlantis liked.

"I thought we were out of the spices to make this, and most of the Athosian crop wasn't ready yet. They needed what they had left for their own use."

My puzzlement received a sad smile from my doctor. "Aye, they did, but I wanted to be certain we had somethin' easy for you to eat, so I sent Rodney and Teyla to the mainland for some of your other favorites. As soon as the Athosians heard you'd been injured, they pressed any extra they had on Teyla. She brought enough back to have ye eatin' it for most of the next week. They brought back a lot of other tasties, too, but those'll have ta wait until tomorrow. I don't want ta try ya on solid food just yet, since yer stomach's apt ta be a wee bit touchy after everything you've been through."

He was certainly right about _that_. Until I smelled the soup, my appetite had been conspicuous in its absence, especially when I hadn't eaten anything since just before leaving on the ill-fated mission that started this mess. I had been badly dehydrated, too, but the IV in the back of my left hand was taking care of that little problem. Kolya hadn't exactly been concerned about the niceties in Hotel Genii, like providing food and water. At least to me. He'd provided the Wraith with plenty of food. You weren't going there, John, I sternly reminded myself. Enjoy the good stuff, like friends who will sacrifice part of their own carefully rationed supply for you.

Leaning back, savoring the warm stuff, I blinked against the uncharacteristic sting of tears in my eyes. I had accidentally cost the Athosian people their homes, woken their worst enemy, led them to a place where some questioned how trustworthy they were, yet they still welcomed and cared about me. How many times had I wished for such simple feelings from my own blood, only to be told I wasn't good enough?

"How're ya feelin', son?"

Ah, the million dollar question. Rolling my head toward him, I gave Carson a ghost of my normal crooked Sheppard grin.

"Would it make any sense if I told you I really didn't know?"

"Aye, that it would. Physically, though?"

At least I had an answer for that one.

"I'm okay, just tired and sore. The adrenaline has worn off and Ronon..."

I couldn't say it, couldn't think of anything but the pain, the certainty that I was going to die, _wanted _to die, as the Wraith bent over me that final time. My breath caught in my throat and I pulled an arm over my face to hide the few tears that escaped my control. Carson just sat, silently waiting for me to regain composure. He didn't try platitudes that we both knew were a lie, didn't tell me everything would be fine. He just stayed with me. Finally able to resume, I flashed him a grateful half-smile, to which he solemnly nodded. Carson had been through his own hells in the last three years, he understood.

"I still have some nice bruises from my hosts' ideas of hospitality that weren't fully healed when my life was restored, as you saw. Those ought to be all kinds of fun in the morning." My voice dropped to a whisper, losing its sardonic tone. "And the mark."

His eyes strayed toward my chest, where the top of a white bandage was just visible at the neck of my scrubs. I had to force myself not to pull my arms over it or demand a mirror to reassure myself that I was really okay. The thing was partially healed, at least, not the raw, open wound I had carried in the cell. Still, it ached and burned, a dull throb with every beat of my newly re-strengthened heart.

"Aye, that bloody mark." Silence came back for a few minutes, but it was peaceful, companionable, not the heavy dread of the cells. "I don't know what side effects this could have, if any, but I want ya resting for the next few days. No stress ye can avoid, nothin' that could push ya emotionally or physically. I'd prefer to monitor you here, but if its too much, we'll set somethin' up in your room."

I smiled slightly, noting the tension in the man's posture. He was worried that I would fight him on this one, or he wouldn't have held out the possibility of my quarters, which I knew would be a royal pain for the medical staff. I was usually more comfortable there, with more things at hand to divert myself with. It would also leave me more accessible to visitors, and their questions, not an idea I relished. Normally, I was very restless as an invalid, pushing to be about my regular activities, which made me a nuisance as a patient. That energy, though, the need to be in motion, _doing _something, was as AWOL as my hunger was until a few minutes ago.

It was a feeling I recognized. I had been like this after Afghanistan, too. Everyone had prodded, analyzed, threatened me with a court martial or a psych ward, _pushed and pushed_... until I ran away from everything, friends, responsibility, _life_... It took two years of solitude in one of the loneliest places on Earth, McMurdo Air Station, before I had regained my footing. Even then, it wasn't until I was literally shot at by a soon-to-be friend that I was knocked from my isolated little cocoon. Now, here I was again, and if they pushed me this time, I had nowhere left to run. I could feel myself teetering on the brink, not sure where to turn for understanding... yet, Carson was holding out what it sounded like I needed... Could he possibly understand?

"I guess the infirmary is fine. I... I don't really want to be alone, but..."

How do I explain this need to have human contact and hide from it at the same time? Kate was going to have a field day with me.

A friendly hand on my arm. "Its okay, son, I do understand. I've had one of the back areas set up so you'll have privacy, but it shouldna trigger flashbacks of that damned place."

"What about Kate and Elizabeth? The debrief is mandatory..."

A wave of the hand cut me off. "Aye, the debrief with the psychologist _is _mandatory, but it can also wait several days until you're settled a bit more. That's by recommendation of Kate an' I _both_."

I must have looked as flabbergasted as I felt because I finally got a smile out of the Scot.

"Ye underestimate the lass, colonel. She's one o' the best in her field or she wouldna be here. She warned me that you internalize things, that after somethin' like this, you'd need some time to yourself. Right now, she's layin' down the law to everyone. If ya don't want visitors, ye don't have 'em, an' if ya do, they're not bringin' up what happened or pressin' ya. I want ya to be as comfortable for the bloody debriefin' as ye can be, and that's not goin' to happen if you've been pressed into fight or flight."

Breath whooshed out. I couldn't believe it. They understood! They were letting me have control, tell _them _what I needed to recover from this hellish nightmare. This time I wouldn't be shipped off from person to person like a hot potato, wouldn't have my life orchestrated for me to the tune others thought right, still a prisoner after the fact. Tension I hadn't realized was even there drained from me, leaving me suddenly exhausted. I didn't have to face all the questions, the nightmares, the uncertainty alone this time. All I had to do was one of the hardest things of all for me- place my trust in those around me and ask for the help I needed. One small step at a time.

"Carson..."

"Yes, John?"

"I could really use some help getting to bed. I think I might be able to sleep now."


	2. Shades of Grey: Carson

The Turmoil Within II

A/N I hadn't planned on making this a chapter piece, but my muse insisted and who am I to argue? Let me know if I should keep going with the other characters, as I do have ideas, but I'm not sure...

Shades of Gray: Carson

I slowly looked up from the charts on my PC tablet as I heard the colonel's breathing drop at last to the deep, slow rhythm of sleep. Good. One bloody hill safely behind us, way too many more to go. When we had brought him to the infirmary this morning, he had been so agitated I didn't even try suggesting he lay down and rest. I had kept watch as he began to brood, instead, withdrawing into himself out on that balcony. In many ways, it was good since it was a sign that his coping mechanisms were kicking in, struggling to deal with the trauma instead of shutting down and denying it. Such emotional unrest can lead to some nasty physical side effects, though, as the mind focuses on itself and completely neglects the body.

He hadn't asked for any food even after we got back, and the water pitcher by his chair stood untouched, leading me to send Rodney and Teyla to the mainland after some foods I hoped would entice him. The _Daedalus_ was due on a supply run any day, so I knew we didn't have any of the colonel's favorite Earth foods left. As an added bonus, it had gotten Rodney out of my hair for a few hours, since I had no intentions of letting him anywhere near John for at least today. The man was driving everyone on staff insane, sure that somehow the miracle that had restored our friend to us wouldn't last, then complaining because he was certain Sheppard was _younger _then when he was captured. I liked to call it Rodney's post-crisis daft mode. Though to be fair, he wasn't the only one not quite sure of how to react. All of us had been certain we'd really lost him this time, that we'd be bringing him home to be with his family as he died...

All in all, things were much better then either Kate or I had dared hope.

Thanks to a _Wraith. _The very creature who had served as the willing instrument of John's torture, no less. A member of the race I had finally convinced myself we had no choice but to exterminate, parasites with no humanity in them whatsoever. I had noticed the sadistic gleam in Michael's eye as he murdered not only the marines, but several of his own kind as well. For the sake of those who, _maybe_, didn't follow his path, I had put up a token objection to the bombing of the planet, but gladly subsided when Colonel Sheppard told me it was _his _decision. Which led to me being on that retrieval team, gun drawn, sure they were killers we had no choice but to kill because they couldn't be contained. We had an obligation to their potential future victims. Or so I kept telling myself, until I saw first hand the very thing I denied they had in those eyes this morning. It was a sight I wouldn't soon be forgetting, awake or asleep.

I leaned forward as my patient stirred slightly in his sleep, resting a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"It's alright, you're home, your family is here, son. Rest while you can."

The nightmares would come soon enough, ripping him from the rest his body so desperately needed, and there was nothing I could do to stop them. John had simply been through too much to escape them. We all had.

Thank goodness his scans and blood work had all come back clean so far. The man has taken such an emotional and psychological beating the last three years that he really didn't need physical damage on top of it. He had quite remarkable luck, really. Who else could have gotten himself thrown in a cell next to an _honorable_ Wraith? I felt guilt eating at me, knowing the colonel never should have been forced to make that choice.

"I'm sorry, John. We shoulda found a way ta get to you sooner. We failed you, son, but we won't let you down now."

"Carson?" I started at the soft voice, looking over my shoulder to see the lithe shadow in the doorway resolve itself into Dr. Kate Heightmeyer.

"Aye, love. Are ya done?"

She handed two steaming cups of coffee to me, then drew a second chair over, careful not to let the legs scrape the floor, before she answered.

"Yes. I'm afraid you and I are the two most unpopular people in all of Atlantis right now."

I snorted softly at that, sipping at the coffee. "I don't bloody well care and I wager neither do you. They'll force him inta runnin' without ever realizing they're makin' things worse with their well-meaning 'help'. Ya shoulda seen the look on the lad's face when I told him how we planned to do this. Ye'd think I'd just handed him the throne of Scotland."

The blond woman winced. "He doesn't trust easily, Carson, and I can't blame him. I read the files on how they handled him after he nearly died trying to save those two men in Afghanistan. It would make a great primer for a psych class in how _not _to deal with a patient like John. Bunch of incompetent fools is just the beginning of what I'd like to call them. I very much doubt he's going to let me close enough to help him."

"Aye, I was afraid o' _that_. It'll be up to his friends ta give him the support he needs. I gather yer talk with them on how we want ta do this didn't go that smooth."

"You could say that. They want to see for themselves that he's really okay, _do _something to help him recover. Its their guilt talking, and I laid into them rather strongly about it. He doesn't need that right now. How is he doing?"

I shook my head, watching the subject of our discussion sleep for a long moment. "Hurtin' in too bloody many ways, but he ate a full mug o' Athosian spice soup before askin' me to help him in here. Its a small step, but its in the right direction." A grimace filled with some anger of my own. "Turns out Ronon pulled the Wraith off before the thing could quite finish. It fully restored the life it stole, but didn't manage ta heal all the bruises the damned Genii gave him. He's goin' ta be sore for a while. If I ever lay eyes on Kolya again, I intend to forget I'm a doctor."

"You'd have to wait in line."

The deep voice from the shadows had me reaching for a gun I only carry off-world, then flushing with embarrassment at the action.

"Don't worry, Doc. Reactions like that will keep you alive."

"Ronon! Bloody hell, son! You scared the li-" I cut off _that _expression real fast. "You're not supposed ta be in here." At least I had managed to keep my voice to a strangled whisper.

A nod of the shaggy head toward Kate. "Lady doctor asked me to come, Doc. Said you needed sleep, but Sheppard needed someone with him."

Oh. That brought me up short with a slightly perturbed look at my colleague, who just smiled. I was being handled. Out of everyone on Atlantis, Ronon was probably the best substitute to sit with John right now. No one would get past the Satedan, who was fiercely protective of his team leader, and he was very unlikely to question the colonel about what had happened. Kate would be just as protective, but John probably wouldn't react well to waking abruptly to her company.

"I promised him I'd be with him tonight." As Kate and I had been discussing, the man didn't trust easily and I certainly didn't want to break my promise to him now.

Kate instantly put a hand on my arm. "I'll get the cot from your office, Carson. You can sleep in here and Ronon can wake you if there are any problems." I nodded, receiving a pat on my arm before she quietly left. With a deep sigh, I turned to the large man.

"He'll be havin' trouble sometime tonight, I can guarantee it. The bloody nightmares won't be long in comin'."

Surprisingly, Ronon simply nodded his head, deep eyes sad. "I know. Someone close to me worked with casualties in the hospital on Sateda."

I sat for a moment, shocked. It was the first time I could remember the man ever volunteering any information about his pre-Runner life. He just leaned against the wall, clearly done talking.

Soon, I was settled into a cot, struggling to find that elusive sleep myself. The damage from the last two days would be a long time in healing for all of us, if it ever did. Too many memories, nightmares, had been dug up for all of us. For me, I knew that many of the actions I had taken over the previous months would be questioned by my colleagues both here and on Earth, but I still believed I did what I had to do. What doctor, faced with either forcing a killer to take medication that altered him, stopped the urges, or standing back and watching more innocents die would hesitate to choose the former? I knew I couldn't have, not with a clear conscience. What haunted me was the use of my work as a biological weapon by the military. Not to mention what had just happened. Over and over in my mind, I saw myself reaching for that gun. Me! A _doctor_! What kind of physician would have that type of instinct? What had this bloody galaxy made me into! I winced. What I had let it make me into- A doctor who no longer saw white and black, heal not harm, but all the shades of gray in between.


	3. Strength and Weakness: Ronon

The Turmoil Within

Strength and Weakness: Ronon

It took some time before I heard the Doc settle into sleep. I could see Sheppard already beginning to stir restlessly, the horror already taking hold, and had to put a firm hand on my own anger. Not even Sheppard would be able to simply walk away from this one, any more than I was able to walk away unscathed from my seven years as a Runner, but I knew the man had the strength to allow him to go on. It was what had drawn me to this man, made me believe in someone outside myself, trust someone, for the first time in too many years. Even as he faced the worst nightmare of any human, I saw him nod in agreement with Weir's decision, knowing it meant his death.

When I first met Sheppard, I thought such adherence to principles made him weak. He looked for paths other than strength of arms when I saw such things as straightforward. If someone attacks you, you kill them or remove them before it becomes a problem. You take care of yourself and your friends by whatever means necessary. I watched as he negotiated with beings I would have fought my way through, yet his way actually worked. Sometimes. When it didn't, he was more than willing to use force of arms. He was a true warrior, a survivor, but with the strength to take a chance on others, including me. Weir was a different matter.

Her, I had been distrustful of from the start. She reminded me too much of the leader who had betrayed me on Sateda, willingly using the lives of my men to cover his own escape instead of standing and saving others. I doubted she had the strength to face the tough choices that were a part of life in this galaxy, and often wondered about Sheppard's willingness to defer to her. When she insisted on backing the Doc's plan to try to 'cure' the Wraith, that contempt grew. I knew the plan would fail, that there was no humanity in such creatures. The Doc I could understand. It was in his nature to look for the good, to try and heal all wounds. Weir, though, should have known better. Her actions in the last two days left me in turmoil. I could not have stood there protecting a worthless piece of refuse like Ladon while my friend was being slowly killed. The question would have been how fast I could throw him through the Ring of the Ancestors. I certainly wouldn't have taken the chance on letting him go, trusting him to actually interrogate his traitors and find the location where Kolya had Sheppard. Weir had done both and the outcome... The Genii had actually honored their word and it was Kolya who broke and ran like the coward he is. So who is truly the stronger? The ones who will do anything to survive or the ones who will not betray what they believe in even should it mean certain death? I wasn't sure any more.

"Who's there?"

The demand had me swiftly moving out of the shadows and toward the bed, the edge to my friend's voice making me realize he probably thought I was the Wraith. He was sitting up in bed, sweat beading on his forehead, a faint tremor running through his limbs, breathing fast and ragged. Signs I knew all too well from night time awakenings of my own.

"You're safe, Sheppard. Heal and together we will hunt down the ones who did this."

It was a promise. What Kolya had done was the worst crime that could be committed on most worlds I knew, and an automatic forfeiture of his life. Teyla and I had already made plans to ensure worlds friendly to us knew of this obscenity. Kolya would find it much more difficult to hide this time.

Noting that Sheppard seemed to have no intention of lying down again, I brought the back of the bed up and he immediately slumped back against the support. He was paler then he had been earlier in the day, but had probably still been feeling the energy of battle course through his veins. Without a word, I handed him a cup of water, a stern look ensuring he began to drink instead of trying to object. He seemed to be watching me from the corner of his eye, a wariness there I had not noted since our first meeting. Was he offended by my presence somehow? I had thought it acceptable in his culture for a warrior to tend a wounded comrade. I tilted my head toward the snoring doctor in a silent question. Sheppard instantly shook his head.

"Let him sleep, I'm fine, just..."

"Haunted by what was done to you." A flat statement of fact. Just because we were trained as soldiers to go through what would easily kill others didn't mean we weren't still human. There was no shame in dealing with it.

"Yeah." He flushed and looked away from me for a long moment, studying the darkened room. I saw another shudder run through his wiry form, then the lights brightened a bit, destroying most of the shadows. Finally, he spoke, voice soft. "Do you blame me for not killing the Wraith?"

It hit me, then, what was wrong, why he avoided my gaze. Sheppard feared he had lost my respect by allying himself with a Wraith in order to escape Kolya. I should have known after the way he avoided me when I grabbed my gun back. We had had several angry discussions not long ago about what the Lanteans were trying to do with Michael. Sheppard knew I had questioned my decision to stay in this city several times. That I thought them weak for what they were insisting on doing. Like my team leader, I did not show emotions easily, at least not those of friendship, so I never sought him out after he came for me on Sateda. I didn't tell him that I would follow him into the heart of the Wraith home world if he asked it of me. I waited until his eyes met mine.

"No. A life for a life."

It wasn't _exactly_ true. I would not have hesitated to kill the thing had he not ordered me to let it go, but one of the things I respected most about Sheppard was that he kept his word. Even to a _creature_. So, I didn't blame him for his actions though I didn't _like_ them.

"Good. I know I probably should have just shot him, but... he honored his part and I sure as hell didn't want to be seen as having less honor then a _Wraith._"

The wry twist of the lips and glint of humor in his eye showed the John Sheppard I was used to seeing. I knew what he had told me probably wasn't the only reason, but it was good enough for me. I noted then just how tense he was getting, his focus inward as he remembered, exactly what the doc didn't want happening.

"You need to rest." A frown and a roll of the eyes was the only response I got. Then I thought of something that might distract him. "McKay actually shot something."

That got his full attention and I watched as his muscles slowly loosened. "You're kidding me. Was it larger than a Jumper? Had to be for him to actually _hit _it."

I smiled at that. McKay's lack of anything approaching skill with a weapon was legendary around Atlantis. It never stopped amazing me how clumsy the man could be with a gun, yet easily worked the machines of the Ancestors. Fortunately, those skills had saved all our lives more than once, and Sheppard, Teyla, and I could easily handle most attackers, so I didn't mind the extra work of having him on our team. There was always the possibility McKay could talk an enemy to death.

"He shot a mouse." I shrugged, a little disdainful. Not an attacker and he could hit it.

"He WHAT!" Sheppard's bark of laughter jolted the doc up off his cot, but the man relaxed once he realized his patient was laughing. With a raised eyebrow, he approached the bed, checking Sheppard over, which had my friend rolling his eyes again. "I'm fine, doc. Did you hear what Rodney did? How did it happen, anyway?"

I don't think the man was fully awake yet, because he just looked at me, hair sticking at more unusual angles then normal. "What the bloody hell did Rodney do now?"

"The mouse." My two word answer was met with a slowly dawning grin. Turning back to Sheppard, I answered his question. "It startled him so he shot it. Wasn't much left."

"Wish I could have seen _that. _I'd have had it stuffed and mounted for him."

The reference didn't make much sense to me, and I was about to ask the doc if Sheppard was all right when I noted the other man's lips twitching. Obviously, it was something I would have to ask about later. My report of our team mate's antics had the desired effect, however, since Sheppard had relaxed enough to be fighting sleep once again. His eyes drifted closed even as Doc and I gently lowered the bed back down, but I noted he didn't touch the lights. Gently, I put one hand on the shoulder of my leader and friend.

"Rest and strength, Sheppard. You are guarded."

It was an old saying among the soldiers of my world, a reassurance given between those of us who trusted each other with our lives. This was the first time in eight long years I had found someone I truly trusted enough to say it to.


	4. Dark as Night: Teyla

Author's Note: Thank you so much to all my reviewers! The response to these chapters has been so tremendous!

The Turmoil Within

Dark as Night: Teyla

I stood on one of the many balconies of Atlantis, keeping watch over the door of one very unhappy team mate at the request of Doctor Beckett. I did not mind this chore, really, even though the hour grew very late. Sleep was proving to be an elusive goal for many of us tonight. Earlier, I had tried my meditation techniques, but tonight even that had failed as my mind refused to calm the storm within. Instead, I found myself wandering the halls of the Ancestors as the old day passed and the new began its cycle. Standing watch did not disrupt me, and allowed me to feel as though I were helping at least one of my friends.

Rodney, like the rest of us, had not been allowed to see John since returning with him from the Wraith planet this morning. Unfortunately, Rodney tended to be quite vocal and insistent in his opposition to this restriction. Equally unfortunate, I found myself to be passing by the infirmary an hour ago, when the scientist attempted once again to sneak past the night medical personnel and into Colonel Sheppard's room. Dr. Beckett quickly saw his opportunity and now I stood on guard duty to ensure my team mate stayed put and rested. The scientist had been pushing himself past all limits in his attempts to discover the location our team leader was held at, worrying many of us. Soon, though, the soothing herbs I had put in Rodney's coffee at Carson's direction should be taking effect and I would be able to leave. At least one of us would be allowed peace in his rest this dark night.

In the mean time, I was watching the stars... and trying desperately to find a calm that would not come. Not after all I had witnessed in the last several days. I had experienced much since joining the people of Atlantis two years ago. I had seen wonders I would never have dreamed could be, and come face to face with things right out of my nightmares, but _nothing _had prepared me for this. To not only witness a friend tortured by another human using a _Wraith_ while I could do nothing, but then to find the Wraith can _give life_... Had I not seen it for myself I would not have believed such a thing could be possible.

I did not dare tell Halling or the others of what I had witnessed, telling them only that the colonel had been held captive and tortured by Kolya. I knew it would not be long before they heard the tale from someone, but I could not face the questions that I knew would come. We are a very traditional people, and much as we pride ourselves on adapting to new environments, we do not accept change to our beliefs well. A large number of our people had been upset enough by the knowledge that the Ancestors were not the infallible beings they wished them to be. Many did not accept it still. To find that our ancient enemy may not be the inhuman creature to be feared in the dark...

The Wraith had shown compassion and honor to Colonel Sheppard, and it was not the first time I had witnessed such human qualities. More than anything else, Elia had been a scared young girl trying to come to terms with two warring heritages, wanting nothing more than to be loved and accepted. She had taken Carson's serum in the hope that she could be _human_, when she already was more so than ones like Kolya could ever be. Or Michael. What she had wished for, he had raged against, and I had fueled that anger by playing along with the lies. I had called him my friend...and then betrayed him, much as the Genii did to me.

That was a guilt and anger that grew with each encounter, and it was primarily focused on myself. _I _had introduced then Major Sheppard to the Genii, believing their false lives as simple farmers eager to trade in good will. John would tell me- _has _told me- that it was not my fault, that I could not have known. But I should have. I was raised to lead my people with wisdom and strength. They relied on my judgment of when others could be trusted to keep them safe, and I had failed. How could I have not seen the lies in Cowen's face every time I met him? How could I not see the monster who lurked within? So much pain... so _many _lives had been lost...

Kolya. The rage that burned in me now was stronger than I had ever felt before. More than anyone or anything else, he has shown me the true darkness that can lurk in the hearts of humans. As dark as the Wraith who make a sport of the hunt. I had believed in the good in others, as my father had taught me, only to have that belief torn away as I watched a grainy screen...

I felt myself beginning to drift as I stood there and knew I should return to my quarters. John would be needing all of us in the days ahead, which were threatening to be as black as the night around me.

Tears coursed down my face, though I did not know for whom I mourned. Myself? John? Other nameless victims of Kolya's madness? All of us?

Suppressing a sob, I shivered in the cold wind of Atlantis' dark night, wishing I could already see the breaking light of the dawn.


	5. Answerless: Rodney

Author's Note: Thanks so much to everyone who reads and reviews. You guys always make my day! Special thanks to Alpha Pegasi for reminding me of the name of the treatment plan for John and to Stealth Dragon for some points about how Rodney reacts to John.

The Turmoil Within

Answerless: Rodney

It was well over an hour before Teyla finally left the balcony and I felt it safe to leave my room without anyone trying to drug me. It hadn't exactly taken a genius to detect the strange herb in my coffee. Not when you drink as much of the stuff as I do, anyway. Nor was it very hard to switch my cup with Teyla's when she wasn't looking, though I didn't blame the Athosian woman. I was certain she was acting under the orders of a busybody Highlander. He was worried that I was _exhausted, close to a collapse, and all that..._ Carson had wanted me to let his staff give me a sedative earlier, to which I'd objected- with high volume. _That _ended with his staff firmly shoving me out the door while the Scottish pain-in-the-ass (quite literally not that long ago) headed to the balcony he'd allowed Sheppard to hole up on. It was now approaching 2 am, so if I had any chance of making my way past the medical staff to Sheppard's room, it would be now. And I _needed _to see him. To make sure that what my head kept telling me was absolutely impossible could have happened. That he really was alive, safe, and looking young enough to need acne cream.

As I crept through the silent hallways, easily avoiding Sheppard's single-brain celled minions, it occurred to me that I really ought to send Samantha Carter and the rest of the original SG-1 members an apology. I understood, now, why they had refused to give up on the slim chance Teal'c was still alive inside the Stargate. When Carter realized I had convinced the Pentagon Teal'c was dead... I'm surprised she didn't shoot me on the spot. I would have deserved it. If there was one thing I'd learned in the last three years, it was that _we don't leave our people behind!_ We keep looking until we find a way or someone shows us a body. The problem was it had almost come to the latter option today- or yesterday, or whatever- even if I had been the only one willing to _say_ it.

Quietly, I slipped into the darkened infirmary, the few patients around sound asleep. Hopefully, Carson was too. I knew from my last attempt two hours ago, the one ending with Teyla on guard duty, that the physician was sitting with the colonel in one of the back rooms. Carefully, I peeked in the doorway, having learned a _few _things from watching a certain fly boy over the years.

Ah! Success! Sheppard was asleep on the bed, Carson dozing in the chair. I could-

All thoughts were cut off as I was grabbed by the back of the shirt and propelled forcefully into Carson's nearby office. A hand muffled my screech of protest, a huge shape towering over me. Ronon. I was _dead_.

"McKay. You're worse than a little one told they can't have sweets."

I could feel my face heating up as I flushed angrily. "I'm not some stupid little rug rat who wants candy! That's my _friend _in there, and I had to watch him _dying _yesterday! I just want to see that he's really alright! What the hell is the matter with _that, _hmmm! And what are _you _doing here, for that matter? I thought no one was allowed to see him! It's... It's because they're hiding something, isn't it? That's it. He's dying, right?" In seconds, I had gone from furious to mind-numbing fear, Carson's banishment suddenly making sense.

"No, Rodney, he's not gonna die." A tired voice proceeded the appearance of a ragged looking Carson around the Satedan's bulk. "Thank you, Ronon, I'll take it from here. It's been a few hours an' the colonel's starting to get restless again."

"Right." The office abruptly became much larger with my team mate out of it.

"Restless? Everybody keeps telling _me _he's sleeping _comfortably_ !" I let out an accusatory whine, fixing the Scot with a narrowed gaze.

An exasperated sigh. "I'd been bloody well hopin' to have this conversation at a halfway decent hour when we're both awake, but if you insist..."

"Yes, I insist! Why have his friends been kept away after everything he's been through? And don't give me some voodoo about patient-directed trauma recovery, Kate already tried that."

It didn't make much sense to me, frankly. When someone was ill, the doctor was supposed to tell _them _what to do to get better, not the other way around. What use were they, otherwise? This was why medicine was _not _a real science. Real science had a set number of solutions to each problem and they _didn't change_.

"Rodney..." It was the tired, fed-up 'I'm explaining to a two-year-old' tone that _I _was supposed to use on others, not have directed at me, the smartest man in two galaxies. "People react to trauma in different ways. Colonel Sheppard internalizes it, which the subconscious mind begins to process using dreams. It's a safe environment for him to experience emotions his conscious mind has difficulty dealing with. It's perfectly natural after this type of trauma, but it can be bloody disturbing. That's why I have someone with him, to help ground him after the nightmares."

"Yes, yes, whatever. Just tell me this. Why does the person with the sensitivity of his _gun _get to sit with him and _I _don't? It isn't _fair_! I need to-" I stopped, horrified at myself, earning a narrow-eyed penetrating doctorly stare.

"All right, Rodney, I've seen you when the colonel's been hurt before and you're not usually pushin' the edge of collapse. What the bloody hell is goin' on?"

Somehow I doubted 'nothing' would be deemed an acceptable response. Carson knew me too well. I had sat waiting for the blame to fall for over a day now, so it might as well start with him.

Quickly, before I could lose what little nerve I had, I blurted it out. "I failed, all right? Happy now! He's never left me, but when _he's _the one in need of rescue, I don't have any answers! I'm supposed to be this great genius and what did _I _do? Oh, that's right... Found the wrong planet and terminated the threat of a killer mouse!"

Carson winced at my tirade, sympathy in his eyes, which just served to agitate me further.

"Listen, son, you didna fail him! There wasn't anything we could do!"

Now the Scot was upset too, his speech picking up in pace and accent so thick I could barely understand him. My shaking head and slashing hand movement cut him off before he could say anything else. I didn't want to hear it. Not now.

"You just don't get it, do you? There should have been! I'm supposed to have all the answers, that's my _job_! Why do you think they brought in Colonel Carter when they wanted to tie up the Supergate, hmmm? Sheppard and Weir were afraid I couldn't do it, that's why! Who figured out how to fly that Wraith ship? Teyla! Who _couldn't _get Sheppard out of that time dilation field after getting him stuck there in the first place? Me! When I was trapped in the Jumper, _who _got me out? Sheppard and Zelenka! Who-"

"-figured out where Ronon was so we could rescue him?"

Carson and I both turned in shock as a very familiar voice interrupted my guilty yells. Just as I was _really_ getting warmed up, too. Standing in the doorway swaying slightly as he was supported on one side by an IV pole and on the other by Ronon was John Sheppard. Pale face quickly tingeing red, he answered his own soft question.

"I think it was a certain Dr. Rodney McKay. Who realized Lucius was drinking a drug that affected everyone? See the previous answer! Who's pulled our rear ends out of the fire more times than I care to think about? Care to clue him in, Ronon?"

A fierce glare, daring me to contradict him. "McKay."

Gently, the Satedan lowered our team leader into the desk chair that Carson hastily pushed over.

"Bloody hell, son, what're you doing up!"

At the doctor's words, I quit gaping in astonishment at what had just been said by the colonel and took a good, hard look at him. John was pale, sweat standing out on his forehead, eyes holding a slightly distant, haunted gaze. His body was visibly trembling and the fact that he had been allowing Ronon to support him told me everything I needed to know about how the man really felt. The contrast with the Sheppard who had bounded from the forest floor less than 24 hours ago was striking. I felt my stomach roll and knot in fear for my friend. Maybe that was why I spoke without thinking.

"You look like something even a Wraith wouldn't touch."

John flinched so hard the chair he was on rolled backwards several inches while one foot connected solidly with my shin. Carson simultaneously smacked me upside the head and I heard Ronon's deep, rumbling growl. The one that said someone's life was about to end. One of the Scot's hands settled firmly on my shoulder, preventing me from leaning down to rub my abused limb, and he whispered fiercely in my ear.

"See, _that's _why I didna bloody well want you here, ya daft haggis!" He continued aloud to all of us. "It's the stress and trauma compounded by exhaustion from not being able to get any proper rest. A few days of calm and the colonel should be fine."

John sighed, wearily waving one hand in a dismissive gesture, though I really wasn't sure who at. "I know, doc. I just pushed my limits, that's all. As for why I'm here, I got up to visit the little pilot's room and heard Rodney yelling." I found myself on the receiving end of a very sour look. "We're a _team, _Rodney. That means we've all had times we got to be the hero and times when everything we so much as looked at went wrong. The point is we support each other no matter what. We- _I-_ trust you. If there's something that _can _be done, we know you won't stop until you find it, all right? I don't _blame _you for not getting to me, really, I just... I need time, that's all."

The slumped shoulders, the exhausted gaze, the defeated tone... These were not the words I thought I would ever associate with John Sheppard. I just wanted to scream, rant at him until I saw the familiar gleam return to his eyes, the sarcastic comments to his lips. Even as I opened my mouth to deliver the first scathing remark, I was once again grabbed and propelled, this time by Carson. Before I could object, the stubborn Scot had me out of the infirmary into the deserted hallway.

"I know what you were thinkin', Rodney, and that's exactly what he _doesn't _need right now. The colonel needs some time and space to process this, then he'll be back to himself before you know it. An' I realize you're angry with yourself over this, we all are, but there wasn't anything we could have done, an' we're just going to have to live with it. The last thing we should be doing, though, is putting those regrets on the man in there. Go yell at your poor soddin' staff, spar with Ronon, talk with Kate, beat a video game, _something_, but don't be bringin' your guilt and anger here."

He pinned me with a stern gaze, waiting for me to meekly nod, which I did fairly quickly. Carson was right, if I wanted to yell at someone, John was definitely the wrong target at the moment. Though there were times when I thought everyone could use a good yelling at. They'd certainly done it to me enough times. I slumped against the wall, not quite sure of what to do anymore. I had come here wanting answers, but the ones I received weren't what I had expected, nor what I had experienced in the past. Did he really trust me that much, even after my mistakes of the last year? He had to. The John Sheppard I knew wasn't given to lying about things like that. When I'd screwed up with Arcturus, he'd let me know about it in no uncertain terms, so why would he gloss things over _now, _at two-thirty in the morning when he looked half dead from lack of sleep? And why did it matter so much what he thought of me? I'd certainly never cared about such trivial factors before. Then, I'd never really been a part of a team, a _family_, before, either. Not like this. A touch on my arm brought my attention back to the dark corridor.

"Come on, Rodney. Lay down on the bed nearest the colonel's door and I'll get something to help you sleep. He's going to need all of us in the days ahead, whether he'll admit it or not."

"Fine. Whatever. Just... take care of him, Carson."

"Aye. I'm bloody well _tryin_'."


	6. Burdens Too Heavy: Elizabeth

The Turmoil Within

Burdens Too Heavy: Elizabeth

I don't know how long I sat in my office, staring at my computer, which had long since gone from screen saver to hibernation mode. Over and over in my mind I played every action, every decision, looking for _anything _I could have done differently on the longest day of my life. The images haunted me...

The terror in his eyes that he would never otherwise acknowledge, the painful limpness of his body after each feeding, the blood-red mark standing out as his skin grew paler and paler, the gray appearing in his hair, his head thrown back in the silent screams the gag and his own iron will wouldn't let him voice...

A lack my memory inevitably filled with that gut-wrenching cry of pure agony from the stranded Jumper so long ago. Had it really only been a little over two years? It seemed like a lifetime. It was times like now, in the darkest hours of the night, when I wondered if Atlantis would have been better off had I refused the President's job offer that cool spring night. Would Kolya have even tried such a maneuver if Atlantis had a regular military commander in charge, or even- dare I even think it- a man? I had noticed the lack of women commanders among the Genii, or at least among the ones I had met, and Kolya had seemed to dismiss me out of hand throughout much of his short occupancy of Atlantis. Maybe...

A soft knock against the open door to my office brought my attention reluctantly out of the world of what-ifs. The night gate technician, a young man who had come with the last _Daedalus_ run, stood there shifting from foot to foot hesitantly.

"Yes?"

"Dr. Weir, Dr. Beckett just called to see if you were still in your office. He said to tell you 'ta get your rear end ta your quarters an' at least lay down before I send Ronon up there ta _carry_ you out!"

I couldn't help it. I closed my eyes for a long moment and let myself give in to a quiet laugh, even though it bordered on hysteria. The man's imitation accent and inflection were so accurate he sounded like a younger Carson. As I forced myself to bring my breathing back under control, I met his gaze to see sympathy and understanding there. Somehow, this young man had known I needed to break out of the horrors my own mind was conjuring, if only for a moment. Interesting.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me." I flushed, still embarrassed by the reaction.

A shake of the head and a tentative smile as the man- what _was_ his name?- leaned against the door jam as John so often did. "Don't worry about it, Ma'am. If there's one thing I understand, its how people might be reacting tonight. See, my sister was a POW in Iraq. I don't think anybody in my family could sleep for days after we found out just what she'd gone through, and w_e _didn't have to w_itness_ it!"

I stood slowly, shocked to realize I barely knew anything about what was happening on Earth anymore. Since coming here, those squabbles had seemed remote and petty in many ways, though they certainly weren't small for those directly involved. It just seemed so stupid for us to be fighting ourselves when the threats to humankind as a whole were so huge. But wasn't that what we had just been doing with Kolya? Fighting among ourselves to the point where John had been forced to make an alliance with a bitter enemy in order to escape from someone who should naturally be on _our _side? Gently, I put a hand on the man's arm.

"Will she be all right?"

His smile was sad, wavering. "She's getting there. More than anything, she just wants the whole thing behind her, I think. She doesn't like anyone to mention it or treat her differently. The therapist said that's a pretty common reaction for a career military or law enforcement officer. They have their own ways of coping that seem... unbelievable to the rest of us." He paused, giving a quick head shake. "I should let you get some rest before the doctor really _does _send Specialist Dex after you. You should know, though, Ma'am, that the nightmares really do fade after a while."

He straightened as if to leave, but my hand once again on his arm stopped him. "Did you ever ask her if she would do it again, knowing what would happen? Still go after the ones who attacked her country?"

Bright green eyes met mine, tears glittering there. "Yes, Dr. Weir, she would. I asked her why once and she said it didn't matter what country was on the receiving end, the act itself was against humanity." He paused, then gave a slight shake of the head. "Besides, next time it _could _be us they go after."

As he turned, no longer leaning against the door frame, I finally saw the flag on the shoulder of his uniform.

It was Australian.

Slowly, I walked to my quarters, head bowed, reflecting on the truth of his words. John wouldn't appreciate any mention of what we had seen, I knew that, and most of us would be more than willing to respect those wishes. Except Rodney, who needed to talk about everything.

Entering my quarters, I left the light off, wanting to hide in the darkness. Finally, I could drop the official face of Doctor Elizabeth Weir, Atlantis Leader, and allow myself to just be Elizabeth, friend and deeply feeling human being. I hugged a pillow tightly, finally allowing the tears to flow freely, born of both pain and anger. The simple truth haunted me.

I had stood there and allowed a friend to be slowly murdered. A death I could have stopped cold at any time, had I made the choice. In the end, though, I knew I really didn't _have _a choice. John had ordered me not to trade another's life for his, not even that of a possibly treacherous sometimes ally. No matter what my country's policy was, or who Ladon himself was, _that_ was what ultimately stopped me from giving in to my feelings. I hadn't lied when I told Ladon I would have traded him in an instant if I could. Another thing my gut was in absolute knots about. Could I, Elizabeth Weir, have _really _gone through with such a trade and then lived with myself afterwards, or would the burden have been too much? Stop it! I sternly scolded myself, reminding my inner turmoil that the only one ultimately at fault in this whole mess was _Kolya_. That's what my head said, though I knew it might take a while for my heart to accept it. And I certainly wouldn't object if any of Atlantis' teams, _especially_ John's, brought the man back dead instead of alive. In fact, I would breath a sigh of relief. Right now, I was filled with _rage_.

Had John died yesterday, it would have been as a meaningless object in a Genii power play. A game of chess for the leadership of the Genii people between two arrogant kings, with me caught in the middle as the queen. Move one way, and I would have allowed the king to be check-mated. Move the other and I could have saved him- but only by sacrificing my knight. The problem now was that the game hadn't ended and Atlantis had too many pieces who could easily be caught in the middle, as John was. For that reason, I had recalled all our off-world teams until after I could go over how John had been captured with him and what, if anything, could prevent such a thing from happening again.

When? When had Atlantis become the very thing I had fought so hard against in the United Nations? A king maker? A dictator to the weak by force of arms? That was what Kolya had wanted of us, after all. Where had I made a mistake that allowed this to happen? And hadn't I become the very thing I hated when I told the head of a sovereign state that he couldn't leave? Should I have allowed Ladon to return to his own world when he first asked, _trusted_ him? What if the Wraith hadn't-

I shied away from _that _thought _hard_. I had seen the husks left behind by the Wraith, and I knew that in the nights to come, I would be seeing them with John's face. Not a prospect that encouraged me to look forward to sleeping. Around and around my mind went, fears, regrets, what-ifs, plans... Until at last, my exhaustion took over and I slipped into slumber...

Only to awaken hours later, screaming, tears mingling with sweat, mind filled with the very thing I dreaded, a body bag being carried off a Jumper...

I had to see him, to know that the Sheppard luck and sheer stubbornness had brought him through again, back to us- _to me_. Quite simply, John was my anchor, my sounding board, my partner, my help and occasionally my hindrance. I didn't want to imagine an Atlantis without him.

A quiet, almost tentative knock on my door had me throwing on a robe only to realize that I still had my clothes on. Wiping tears from my face, I took a deep breath, keying open the door to find Carson Beckett on the other side, rumpled, stubble-chinned, and red-eyed.

"Carson! Is John...?" My throat choked on the words.

His face stayed blank for a long moment as my heart crept into my throat, then he firmly shook his head.

"He's fine, love, just very restless. Insisted I come see if you were able to come talk to him. I'd been hoping you were sleepin', that's why I knocked so softly. Didna want to wake you."

A glance back at my bedside clock showed 4:27 am. I let out a long, slow breath, wondering if either John or Carson had been able to get _any _sleep, though I understood the doctor's reluctance to use any type of sedative.

"Let me throw some water on my face, Carson."

At the Scot's willing nod, I hurriedly straightened myself out so I didn't _look_ like I'd just slept in my clothes. Soon enough, we were making our way through empty hallways, the stillness of pre-dawn wrapping us like a cloak.

"I'm surprised he wants to see me after I put my foot in my mouth so _spectacularly_ yesterday. My bedside manner is still horrible!" I tried to make light of it, so that I wouldn't be tempted to lose what composure I had left when I saw the man. I smiled at the irony of it, since it was a defense mechanism I seemed to have picked up from a certain colonel.

"I wouldna worry about it, Elizabeth." Carson heaved a sigh, rolling his eyes when he noticed me looking at him. "Rodney managed much worse about three hours ago. I think the colonel's looking for someone other than Ronon and I to distract him so he doesn't fall asleep again. John's nightmares have been... severe."

That was about the last thing I wanted to hear.

"Has he managed _any _sleep?"

"A few hours here and there. Havin' Ronon or I with him seems to have helped. Colonel Sheppard's one of the strongest men I've ever met, lass. He'll get through."

My reply went unspoken, but it hung in the air anyway, an invisible ball and chain I dragged along behind me.

_He shouldn't have had to go through any of this in the first place._


	7. Dawn Breaking: John

The Turmoil Within

Dawn Breaking: John

I had known when I asked Carson to help me to bed that this would be a long night, filled with demons both real and imagined, because the night belonged to the Wraith. I had noted that tactically, the Wraith preferred to attack in darkness. Not that they _wouldn't _come any time they felt a little peckish, but... most humans have an instinctual fear of the darkness, which simply made it that much easier for the creatures to project their 'phantoms'. That was my theory, anyway, even if McKay constantly belittled the unscientific way I'd come up with it given that it would be hard to test.

I just wished this particular Wraith would leave me alone.

I'd been having two nightmares all night, over and over, both equally disturbing and featuring my prison buddy. One was the feedings, never ending, with Kolya laughing in the background. That would only end when I woke in flight or fight mode, heart pounding, hands clutching my chest over the bandage. It was ugly, but I had expected it. The other, though, that was a different story. It was _that _one that had me desperately fighting to stay awake, afraid to close my eyes and be forced to live through it again. In it, the Wraith bent over me as I lay on that forest floor, begging him to kill me, and he returns my life to me. In the process, though, he turns me into a Wraith as well, letting me loose on my arriving friends. Even as I woke each time gasping from that one, forcing myself to focus on whoever was with me at the moment, I could hear his deep, raspy voice calling to me.

"Brother..."

I forced my eyes open again, sternly reminding myself that I was human, 100 John Sheppard, and home, safe on Atlantis, just as a large shape loomed out of the shadows.

"Noo!"

I screamed hoarsely, voice already raw from too many terrors, and fought to make a sluggish, sore body obey my will, to get away, or at least put up some sort of struggle. I would not, _could not_, be like them, be _one _of them. We were nothing alike! My skin _would not_ turn blue-green and I _would not _give in to the urges to attack my friends! I would die first!

"Sheppard. You're safe. We're on Atlantis."

A deep voice, but _not his_. The Wraith dissolved into Ronon as the large man moved into the light and I leaned forward, hands covering my face. I was loosing it, could no longer tell when I was asleep or awake and it scared the hell out of me. Finally, I let myself fall back against the pillows, meeting the concerned gaze of my team mate.

"Sorry."

A dismissive shrug. I was past the point of exhaustion, I knew that, and probably looked as bad as I felt. Too bad that damned alien vampire wanna-be couldn't have taken the nightmares and cumulative effects of stress, sleeplessness, and trauma while he was at it. This sucked. I knew I just needed time and rest, but until my body was to the point where I passed out, I doubted I'd be getting any without the lovely late, late horror show. Hence the fact that I had sent Carson to find Elizabeth, hoping for some company besides the taciturn Satedan and the Scottish doc who dozed off after every other word.

Blurrily, I forced myself back up into a seated position, accepting the cup of juice Ronon pressed on me. What time _was _it, anyway? Where had Carson put the... There it was, on the bedside table, a big digital clock, easy to read even for someone half asleep or doped to the gills with pain killers. 0443. I groaned, dropping my head back against the pillow again just as Elizabeth and Carson came through the door. I saw the identical looks of alarm cross their faces at my moaning grimace, making them hurry to my side.

"Colonel?" "John? What's wrong?"

"I'm fine, just marveling at my own stupidity. I had no idea it was so early in the morning, Elizabeth. I'm sorry."

She relaxed at my words, eyes narrowing and a rueful smile appearing. "Don't worry about it, I wasn't asleep. Besides, I remember waking _you_ up not that long ago because _I _was the one having nightmares. So... I heard you requested my company."

I gave her a fleeting smile of my own. "Wanted to give you some practice at that bedside manner." That got a wince in reply, though I wasn't quite sure why. Abruptly, I sobered. "Seriously, though, I wanted to apologize. I'm sorry you had to go through that."

Rolling my head on the pillow, I included Carson and Ronon in that statement, briefly meeting their shocked eyes before turning back to Elizabeth. Who was staring at me with a mixture of disbelief and horror on her face, starting to meld into anger. I had been fairly certain she wouldn't _like _me apologizing, but this wasn't exactly what I had expected. I couldn't help it, though, since my blood boiled with shame and anger at what my friends had been forced to witness. Kolya would pay _dearly_ the next time we met. A firm hand on my arm brought me attention back to the small infirmary room and I was a little shocked myself to see the anger in Elizabeth's eyes. Directed at me.

"Don't you _dare_, John Sheppard! Don't you dare believe _any _of this was in _any _way your fault! _I _was the one coming here intending to apologize to _you!"_

My heart clenched as I saw a tear slide down the face of this incredibly strong, capable leader. Did she really believe that this was _her _fault? Wearily, I scrubbed a hand over gritty eyes, mentally kicking myself. I had been so focused on myself that I failed to consider how badly Elizabeth would feel. She had sat in her office enough times second guessing herself until Carson or I came and forced her out for me to know it was coming. Dumb, John, really dumb.

"Elizabeth, you never should have been put in that position."

"I agree." Her voice was so soft I almost wasn't sure she'd said anything. "But _you _didn't put me there, _Kolya_ did."

"Exactly, so why are _you _apologizing?"

I met her gaze square on, knowing that neither one of us was really ready to let go of the guilt, we were too much alike in that regard, but maybe this was a first step. Not that it really made me feel any better. The whole mess never should have happened in the first place. Wouldn't have, if I'd taken care of the problem in true cold-blooded military style back in that underground chamber of the Brotherhood's. Never leave a known enemy free to cause more harm. No doubt I'd be hearing from Caldwell on _that _one in regards to both Kolya _and _the Wraith, which would just serve to cap off the whole crappy incident.

The only bright spot in the entire thing was that it _had _been me Kolya captured and not Rodney. The very thought of the Wraith feeding on my brilliant friend had me reaching for the pastel colored basin hospital rooms always seem to have. The juice Ronon had forced down me bit the back of my throat with acidity as I hunched forward on the bed, heaving. I could feel hands supporting me, rubbing gentle, soothing circles on my back, but my mind was filled with the Wraith sucking my friends into mummies one by one, wearing the face of Acustus Kolya.

After what felt like hours, the gagging stopped, leaving me to slump back, head swimming, sweat pouring down my face. Everyone was safe, I _knew _that. Teyla was hopefully in her quarters, asleep, Carson, Ronon and Elizabeth were right beside me, and if I opened my eyes, I'd see Rodney asleep in the bed right outside my door. Kolya wouldn't, _couldn't,_ get at them here. Atlantis was safe.

That was the certainty that had lent me strength to keep going in that dark cell, after all, when the pain and the fear threatened to overwhelm my last barriers. It was also what allowed me to be at peace with the death I came face to face with so many times on that miserable hunk of rock. Even had the Wraith taken what was left as I lay there on that forest floor, my city, all my people, were safe. I had fulfilled the duty I swore myself to the moment I decided to mercifully end Sumner's life.

A cool cloth ran over my face, feeling so good that I wanted one large enough for my entire body. I was just so hot... A small, rounded pressure in my ear followed by a soft beep told me I wasn't the only one who had noticed my discomfort.

"Carson?"

Elizabeth inquired from somewhere near my head, and I decided it had to be her with the cloth. Certainly couldn't be a nurse since Carson had been keeping them away from me. He knew, thank goodness, that I wasn't exactly in the most coherent state right now, which could lead me to react dangerously to a strange presence. Someone trained to kill operating on battle reflexes and suffering from flashbacks and nightmares was never an easy situation. I could seriously harm an innocent before ever realizing that they weren't a Genii.

"Just a low grade fever, love. Not unexpected with everything John's been through."

As Carson spoke, I focused once again on Atlantis' leader, noting the lingering traces of guilt still there. Yep, _way _too much alike, I just tended to bury my angst deeper. Just then, she glanced at me and flushed, obviously embarrassed by my catching her with her worries so plain to see.

"You did what you had to do, you know."

She grimaced. "I sacrificed your life, John. I sat there and let him torture you when I could have stopped it."

I sighed, accepting a cup of ice water from Carson with a slightly shaky hand. While not stopping the conversation, I noted that he seemed to be watching my reactions rather closely and nodded solemnly to let him know I was still doing okay. Several sips gave my tired mind time to come up with an answer I hoped she would be unable to refute.

"Even if you _had _given Ladon to Kolya, what makes you think the bastard would have let me go? The man's not exactly known for keeping his word."

Her head dropped, hands clutching the rails of my bed. "I know. I just..."

She trailed off, apparently thinking better of whatever she was about to say. I could think of half a dozen endings to that sentence, and none of them were anything I wanted to hear. Gaze wandering, I lighted on the clock again, noting that it was almost 0515 now. Sunrise. Suddenly, I wanted nothing more than to feel it on my face, know I was alive and with my family, just as the Wraith had craved the sight of the stars. He was a creature of the night, but I needed the day to chase away the shadows. Slowly, I rested a shaky hand on hers.

"Elizabeth, take me out to one of the East balconies. Please? I want to see the sun rise over the ocean. Carson?"

I looked imploringly at both of them, not above pleading for this one, since I knew I'd never make it on my own. I just... I needed to know that the long night was finally over.

The sympathetic eyes of my doctor reassured me that he understood. Without a word, he patted my arm and disappeared, returning a minute later with a wheelchair and several blankets.

"It can't be too long, son. Its a mite bit chilly out this morning and your immune system isn't too strong right now."

I just nodded, allowing Elizabeth and Ronon to help me up and settle me in the chair, where Carson proceeded to wrap me snuggly with the warm blankets. For once, I didn't object to the fussing. I snagged Elizabeth's hand when she would have stayed in the room with Ronon, pulling her along with. If my exhausted brain was functioning on any level and I remembered correctly, I wanted her with Carson and I. It was time to face the horrors when the sun could burn away the dark. Minutes later I was pushed out onto the balcony I had directed Carson to, not surprised to see it already occupied by a slender form with coffee in hand. I had seen her out here too many times on my morning runs not to have noted down the routine. Kate turned at the sound of the door sliding open, surprise turning to understanding as she noted who was there.

"I'll leave you three to enjoy the sunrise." She started to walk past me, patting my hand, when I caught her wrist.

"No, Kate, stay for a bit, please."

I saw the surprise in her eyes and just smiled. As the dawn broke in brilliant pinks and oranges, I shut my eyes, feeling the first rays warming my face.

"We were ambushed about two klicks from the gate..."

The end


End file.
